this is only disability related. Of course, intersectionality applies, because it always does.
The focus though is passing on a disability level.
I’m writing this with no spoons again, so coherence might be an issue.
TW: for abuse and ableism.
I pass, depending on the day, for allistic and non-disabled. I am neither. Passing is a privilege, a huge fucking privilege sometimes. But it’s not simple at all.
A lot of people look at me now, and think, hey, you’re not disabled. Isn’t that great.
Not unlike many disabled people, I was abused. Not unlike many disabled people, I was abused as a way to learn things. Not unlike many disabled people, I was told that being disabled was a bad thing, and I was not allowed to be disabled.
I pass as well as I do, because I had no other choice. I pass as well as I do because I was abused. I function by scripts and a lot of rules that I created in order to function in a world that I learned at a very young age didn’t want me.
I wasn’t allowed to be sick, but I’ve been chronically most of my life. I pass as healthy because faking it was neccessary.
Passing is something that many of us learned because we had to.
I hate it. I had to learn to be someone I’m not, but I had no fucking choice.
When people talk about how allistic I am, or how I don’t seem disabled or sick, or whatever, they trigger me, because I remember a shit town of abuse history.
Many people don’t have access to things that we need. So some of us deal without. Because we have to.
The point is, it’s fucking complicated.
I don’t like non-disabled people talking about this stuff.
I still can’t express pain or talk to doctors in a proper way because as a child I wasn’t allowed to be sick.
I’m still not allowed to be sick.
So I pass as healthy, but I’m not.
And all this “passing”, it could fucking kill me.
But it could also save me.
So it’s really fucking complicated.
And I want people to realize how complicated this shit is, before they start talking about.
It’s probably too complicated for me to even be talking about it.